I’m writing my first post since early summer because I am determined to get out of this haze and get control of my life. It’s hard for me to admit but I am quite addicted to marijuana. Or I think I am. Yet I sit here now writing this, having not smoked all day (its 3.30pm now) so I think my willpower is a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. Marijuana was incredibly beneficial for me at the start. It was the first time in my life that I wasn’t absolutely dominated by my anxiety. But mainly I use it because it helps me repress my stims. I’ve spoken in earlier posts about my stimming, how I do it every day and I’m not comfortable doing it in front of other people. My stimming almost….overwhelms me. It makes my heart race and I feel like there is electricity running through my body, so even though I obviously need to stim, I liked using marijuana to mute it. There are so many more downsides to weed though, It’s not worth repressing my stims. There’s neck and back pain, chest pain, lack of concentration, lack of motivation (the worst one) serious short-term memory issues and tiredness. I smoke to relax myself, then I am too tired or too stoned to concentrate on anything I enjoy. My anxiety has improved so much over the last few years that the level of anxiety I have is much lower than the amount of weed I smoke. It may have been an appropriate amount when I was seriously anxious, but not anymore. And using it purely to repress my stims is unhealthy. But even in writing this I want to go and smoke right now, leave my computer not even finish this post and just go. But I managed to entertain myself for the whole day alone without smoking and that has given me so much hope and strength.
I’m sitting here at my mum’s house (down for the holidays) alone. I don’t really know how I feel about this. When my mum and her partner left the house I was so happy, knowing i’d have the house to myself. I couldn’t wait for them to leave! That old familiar feeling of being relieved to be all alone- it’s as if I cant really be myself or relax unless people are gone. I can stim freely (my stimming is a bit embarrassing, and I cant really let it all out unless i’m alone) and focus much more on my obsessions and get lost in them. But these are both good things and bad things. For one, my stimming seems to become excessive when im alone. I cant control it very much when I am around people, despite doing a muted version of my stim. But when I really stim I get lost in it and do it to the point that blood is pumping through my body from holding my breath and tensing and my hands are sore from moving my fingers excessively. It even gets painful sometimes. I worry I’ll get carpel tunnel or arthritis from this! I love stimming and love to be able to do it freely, but Its as if I “work myself up” and stimming freely only creates more stimming. Ive heard that stimming is related to stress or anxiety, but I seem to stim from happiness or excitement…. or, well lets be honest here, I stim whenever I am thinking intensely or picturing things. I can be thinking about the most normal thing in the world and I will stim without knowing. Its a double edge sword, I love and need to stim, but at the same time I dont like the way it feels- holding my breath doesnt feel so good. My obsessions are a double edge sword too. This evening I was indulging in my current obsession which is aspergers, unsurprisingly seeing as Ive been diagnosed recently. It really is true that my happiness comes from being lost in obsession. I was watching youtube videos of various girls with aspergers and hearing about their experiences. I sat there for a good couple of hours watching videos until I started to feel a little off. I needed to eat. There I was again getting wrapped up in an obsession to the point im ignoring that I need food or to go to the toilet. And I guess that scares me a bit.
What really scares me admittedly is not the obsessions, they are my happiness. I guess I feel guilty that I’m perfectly happy being wrapped in an obsession and planning how ill make tomorrow routine. On new years eve. It’s undeniable that I am …so aspie. My joy comes from obsessions and completing my routines. My pain comes from socializing, and loud noises that parties undoubtedly create. So clearly it’s great that I’m not going out tonight right? Still, I feel pretty terrible about myself. I can hear people in pretty much every surrounding house partying, drinking, being loud with friends. And It creates a huge division in me. I feel…ashamed that I was overjoyed to cancel my plans tonight. I suppose it all comes from a belief that if I don’t have heaps of people and friends and social plans in my life then that makes me…. what? worthless, weird, unwanted. At the same time the very slight noises of music and people all around me are making my skin crawl! Anxiety sets in if I even think about possibly having to walk into a party with as much noise, commotion and people as the ones surrounding me! I suppose its just really diffucult to guage whether I’m avoiding a certain situation because I truly would be happier involved in an obession, and away from all the sensory information. Or whether i’m just avoiding it because I firmly believe I don’t fit in, that no matter how well I do socially I will inevitably end up in a corner alone, either feeling awkward convincing myself everyone can tell what a freak I am, or just being exhausted by the social masking and needing time out. I worry that people might notice that i’m always having ‘time out’ at parties, going off on my own, at the same time as knowing that having time out is definitely what I want to do! I guess I’m not so concerned with what’s right by me- that’s easy I know what I need to do for myself. However I’m obviously concerned with what’s “right” or “normal” to others. I get social opportunities so rarely, with my one friend. Its such a mixed bag every time of trying to stay true to myself and trying to make the most of my rare time out and my chance to make a good impression on the people who see me out. Everyone no doubt assumes when I’m having time out that I’m upset. What a moody brat they must think I am hahaha! little do they know there’s a huge difference between being a little tired from from socializing and noise and wanting to sit quietly by myself for a while, and actually being upset! and then all the questions and people noticing me (at the one time im trying to dissapear into the walls) actually does upset me! Of course if a neurotypical sits down and stops socializing its probably cos they are having a bad time and feeling bad. but i’m not nerotypical, and nobody knows it.
I feel myself telling myself.. “you just need to try really hard to not have time out! to keep going! to spend as much time talking and making a connection with these people!” because clearly to me, my own energy levels and mood are not as important as blending in. Not even fitting in… ill never do that, but just to blend in is awesome. That’s not a very kind attitude to have toward myself.
This post has been such a word vomit. It probably makes no sense and sounds like rambling. But its good to write it down, it helps me reflect on my thoughts. I also feel terrible that I used my terrible moods against my mum to make her give me money. I just really wanted to buy clothes cos I believe I should have something for myself. If I cant be normal I can at least create a better facade by caring more about expressing my taste. I felt I deserved the clothes. And I’m already borrowing so much money from mum right now. I hate not being independent. I guess I feel I need to fill myself up with cool clothes, hair, jewelry, make up. To have cool interests, that aren’t so introverted. To present to the world that I’m not this empty receptor that takes in sensory information, I’m a person. But I don’t feel like much more than something that is sensitive to too much sensory information or constantly craving sensory information, like music. I feel as if I’m nothing more than that.(Because of my narrow interests I haven’t experienced a lot of things others have, which makes me feel more isolated). I feel like I’d never have anything to offer in conversation. I feel lost at parties If someone talks to me. I think where could this possibly go beyond “how are you what have you been up to” and I don’t really have a desire to even know that much. The most fucked up thing is that the only enjoyment I’ve ever gotten out of socializing with people, is due to the feeling that i’m socializing successfully, that I must seem normal to them. That’s my only motivation to talk to people, that aren’t close friends. Other than that I’m not really interested in talking to a lot of people with mundane small talk trying to find those few people those 1 in 100 that I actually am interested in talking to. But that’s the only way to make new friends.
I feel exhausted from this post. so much came out. It makes no sense i’m sorry.
I guess, to sum this all up, I was pretty delusional about the hopes I had for myself before I discovered I was autistic. I had a bit of narcissism going on- I believed I was the prettiest and most interesting person ever, and with a little fine tuning on my social skills no one wouldnt want to spend their time with me. But I’m realizing being pretty isn’t enough when your weird, and I am weird. But the question is have I started acting weirder since I discovered my autism, due to heightened social anxiety? was I always this daunted by socializing and just repressed these feelings? Because I feel I did better socially in the past. But at the same time, I have the same amount of friends and social invites as I did before I found out about my ASD ( my first year moving the the city and turning 18 I didnt go out once!) I guess im just not lying to myself anymore about how socially capable and charismatic I can be, and thats hard to come to terms with.
Where to begin on my first post? My motivation to create this blog comes from a need to order my thoughts and to express them. I feel myself shy away from writing anything as that might lead to me actually dealing with some of the feelings I have right now and that scares me-but even as I write this, the third sentence in my first post, a feeling of relief washes over me. My body tunes it out again to focus on writing, but that feeling is now forever remembered as I consecrate it in words. And that’s what this is all for.
I’m also excited for the creative flow that will no doubt be encouraged by this new beginning, and to see how my writing, language comprehension and vocabulary are improved. God knows I need to exercise that part of my brain a little more! I suppose I should explain myself a little more in case anybody ever actually reads this. I am a 24 year old woman recently diagnosed with high-functioning Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD), or what used to be called Aspergers Syndrome. Although, I’ve known I was Autistic for about a year and a half, and known I was different since early childhood. There’s a lot of things to come to terms with when diagnosed with ASD but its another thing altogether (not worse or better) when you are diagnosed later in life that childhood or adolescence like most. This comes with feelings like – am I not severe enough to warrant earlier diagnoses? is it good that I’m not severe enough-or is it bad that I didn’t get help earlier? Not to mention my self worth is at an all new low. I of course was very relieved and happy to receive my diagnosis, now I knew that many things I once thought were unacceptable aspects of my personality aren’t my fault. But it also means I am unable to change those things. And when you already have terrible self worth, putting a name to that terrible self worth doesn’t improve it. I hate myself just as much as I did previously, at least before I lived with the hope that I could change.
But that is no way to live. I don’t want to be forever chasing the metaphorical carrot on a stick, Id rather face the truth. It felt wrong even writing it down, which is fantastic, because I don’t think I’d be able to come to that conclusion if I hadn’t written it down. I feel if I don’t write things down and continue to just think, I’ll be going in circles having the same epiphanies and then forgetting them a moment later, then spiraling down into the same thought that the realization could soothe. I don’t have a lot of people I can talk to especially about Aspergers, (because even the most educated neurotypical will not always be able to understand our experience). I have even less people to talk to about my depression anxiety and sucidality. I feel like the few people in my life are overwhelmed and cant stand to hear about it anymore. And I’m too scared to share with my partner how awful I feel sometimes, because I fear it will be a slippery slope from expressing those thoughts to him, to oversharing and scaring and overwhelming him. I don’t want to become his sick girlfriend, who’s always dealing with something and bringing the mood down. He is so resilient and strong, I hate to appear weak in front of him. I’ve been in a relationship with a severely depressed person before and that’s why I left him. I wasn’t happy being with him because he didn’t like himself or life.I fear that “Karma” will come back to me. Its so silly I know.
Wow, first post and of course talking about my partner comes out. I guess that’s my biggest issue and fear right now. I don’t want to lose him. I want to keep him. I hope I can find some middle ground with expressing myself to him without going overboard, as well as work to heal myself further so I don’t have so many of these feelings. That’s why I’m trying new things like this to keep myself connected to the world and to my feelings. Looking back over this post it is complete chaos of ideas, I feel I’ve waffled on about some things and not even touched on other crucial things but that’s OK! I resist my urge to have planned out posts, I just want to express. This is meant to be like a diary after all. And right now it feels like a huge relief to unload, thanks for listening blog. I’m off to have a celebratory cigarette.